Somebody else's breasts

I did my first breast exam on somebody else today.

One thing:  I felt euphoria, from not finding anything.

Another thing: it's terrifying to reach for a breast not knowing if there's something in there.

Another thing: I was sure there would be something in there.

For almost five years I've been 90% med student and 10% survivor.  Today that flipped.

It was so hard.  I don't want to ever find another lump.  Sad and anxious.  Bigger than me.

This exam was with a "standardized patient", a patient, soulful teacher of the pelvic exam and the breast exam.  A lovely body that made four babies.  Her mother died of ovarian cancer.