Hypochondria
I've been feeling lightheaded for a couple days. If I lean my head back, I get dizzy.
This makes me immediately try to not feel lightheaded and to try not to think. If I let myself think, I'm racking my brain for a simple cause, like the cold I've had for a couple of weeks. Or I'm jumping ahead, planning my last days in Hawaii while the brain tumor kills me.
Four years ago, I had a tiny lump in my breast that wasn't breast cancer. I remember knowing that what I was supposed to do was go to the doctor, get my first mammogram. In a completely abstract way, I understood that the lump could be BAD. I felt some fear that looked, internally, like what an actor would try to show when playing an uncaring parent of a sick child. It's not happening to me, but I'm supposed to seem like I care, and oh yeah be responsible. And then I got a mammogram, and an ultrasound, and there we saw a 1 cm water-filled cyst looking like a smile. Which served as a power washer to hose down all that unfounded fear and projection. Whew.
So now that I've survived actual breast cancer, and am thus very sage and wise, and chock full of perspective and empathy, and will never be the same, I'm nostalgic for what hypochondria feels like when there's no rational basis for it.
For the last couple years, if I get a headache or my neck feels funny or there's some dirt on my ankle, I'm going to need to check out for a while. I expect this is the closest thing I'll ever experience to parenthood. I can't concentrate or get anything done under a perceived threat to the homeland. If it's a headache, here's the routine:
1. metastasis or tumor originating in the brain?
2. don't forget Linda found out she had breast cancer when they found a metastatic brain tumor
3. ok so how fast am I going to lose cognition, and what can I get done until then
4. fundraiser
5. does anybody own the website Sadness2Goodness.org? How about Guilt4Good.org?
6. (check on headache, still there)
7. it would be convenient if I start to look like shit long before I lose cognition, then I can really vacuum some wallets
8. also before I lose cognition I have to arrange for euthanasia so I don't suck the life out of everybody by dying in a hospital
9. that indoor gun range on Bel-Red, if I take shooting lessons, what if I shoot a couple rounds until the instructor leaves me alone for a minute and then turn around and take care of things? that has to be fairly common, cleaning up a bloodbath in there.
10. who can I hire in advance to clear my stuff out of my apartment?
11. I am SO NOT doing chemo again.
12. (check on headache, not there)
13. ok that only took 20 minutes this time, that's an improvement
This makes me immediately try to not feel lightheaded and to try not to think. If I let myself think, I'm racking my brain for a simple cause, like the cold I've had for a couple of weeks. Or I'm jumping ahead, planning my last days in Hawaii while the brain tumor kills me.
Four years ago, I had a tiny lump in my breast that wasn't breast cancer. I remember knowing that what I was supposed to do was go to the doctor, get my first mammogram. In a completely abstract way, I understood that the lump could be BAD. I felt some fear that looked, internally, like what an actor would try to show when playing an uncaring parent of a sick child. It's not happening to me, but I'm supposed to seem like I care, and oh yeah be responsible. And then I got a mammogram, and an ultrasound, and there we saw a 1 cm water-filled cyst looking like a smile. Which served as a power washer to hose down all that unfounded fear and projection. Whew.
So now that I've survived actual breast cancer, and am thus very sage and wise, and chock full of perspective and empathy, and will never be the same, I'm nostalgic for what hypochondria feels like when there's no rational basis for it.
For the last couple years, if I get a headache or my neck feels funny or there's some dirt on my ankle, I'm going to need to check out for a while. I expect this is the closest thing I'll ever experience to parenthood. I can't concentrate or get anything done under a perceived threat to the homeland. If it's a headache, here's the routine:
1. metastasis or tumor originating in the brain?
2. don't forget Linda found out she had breast cancer when they found a metastatic brain tumor
3. ok so how fast am I going to lose cognition, and what can I get done until then
4. fundraiser
5. does anybody own the website Sadness2Goodness.org? How about Guilt4Good.org?
6. (check on headache, still there)
7. it would be convenient if I start to look like shit long before I lose cognition, then I can really vacuum some wallets
8. also before I lose cognition I have to arrange for euthanasia so I don't suck the life out of everybody by dying in a hospital
9. that indoor gun range on Bel-Red, if I take shooting lessons, what if I shoot a couple rounds until the instructor leaves me alone for a minute and then turn around and take care of things? that has to be fairly common, cleaning up a bloodbath in there.
10. who can I hire in advance to clear my stuff out of my apartment?
11. I am SO NOT doing chemo again.
12. (check on headache, not there)
13. ok that only took 20 minutes this time, that's an improvement
I can only remember being lightheaded once before, when I was having a rather impressive pulmonary embolism that nearly killed me 6 or 7 different ways. So far this lightheadedness is considerably less eventful and considerably less fun. Resolution and not feeling crappy are fun.
As I started to write this, I thought I had something profound to say about PTSD. But no. I think I'm being rational, and no more of a drama queen than necessary.
posted by Cy at 2:06 PM
1 Comments:
Hi there, Cy. I can not imagine what it is like to have had cancer and worry about a recurrence. Every subtle or not so subtle sensation could be the harbinger of bad stuff. I do understand how imagination can take over. I have had imaginary fights with people that have left me emotionally exhausted. Sending loving thoughts your way. XO Anita
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